First Day at the Sitter's

I had all of this dread and fear building up for 9 weeks imagining the day when I would turn over my child...my baby human being... to a stranger to play and feed and talk and snuggle with my baby Judah while I spent 40+ hours a week at work. Jealousy? Not really. Just outright sadness for the unfairness of the situation.

I returned to work on November 8th. Rhonda was amazing in my absence and had everything running like a well-oiled machine. I walked back in just like I had never left. And I did ok with Judah on my first day back because he stayed with family...his gmommy Susan. Daddy even brought Judah by my work about 2pm because he had gotten off early. I made it through without the first tear. I did well all week really. Jacob kept him Tuesday, Krystin Wednesday, me Thursday due to the holiday, and half JP half me on Friday. Yeah I could do that kind of week every week and be fine. However, I noticed all week that I kept getting nauseous randomly throughout the day. Having just been pregnant (obviously) I got a little nervous. Took a couple tests to be sure and they were negative. Birth Control must be working. I soon realized as Monday, November 15th grew closer, the nausea got worse. The looming 1st day at the sitter's. And while I was confident in our choice and excited that there would only be Judah and Savannah (Amber's own 15 week old), leaving him with a stranger was a big step. Huge step. Mammoth step.

Monday morning came and I quickly realized an hour and a half was NOT enough time to get mommy and baby ready. So daddy came to the rescue and got Judah all ready to go. When I got to Amber's house, I quickly filled her in on the loaded bag full of milk for the day, frozen milk for backup, bottles, blankets, diapers, books, toys and paci's that filled the bag. He was set. I told Judah goodbye, touched his little cheek as he gave me his grin, and left. No tears surprisingly. I made it to work mascara intact. Amber even texted throughout the day to fill me in on my little man. I was ok all the way until 5pm when, on a normal day, I would be going home. However, it was meeting day. One at 5pm and one at 6pm. As I sat in the first meeting, I quickly realized the second would be delayed as the agenda kept growing and the meeting kept going. Surprise...tack on a closed session and now we have 3 meetings for the evening. Meeting 2 became meeting 3 and it kicked off at 8pm. I went from franticly looking at the clock to looking with a sinking, heavy feeling of desperation. Things finally concluded and I left for home. I pulled into the driveway at 9pm. Amber had typed up a sheet of his day and I realized that while he seemed really awake when I got home, it wouldn't be long. Most of his naps were between 30 and 45 minutes. I knew after his next warm bottle he would be out for the count. And he was. 9:30p.m. my little Judah-bear was fast asleep. I kissed him and snuggled as lightly as I could not to wake his peaceful sleep. I knew I had to lie him down in the crib and prolonged it as long as possible. And that was it.

All of the dread and fears of leaving him with a stranger were pointless. What I learned was that it wasn't his safety I should have been concerned about on the first day to the sitter, it was the shear quickness of the day.

As I start this paragraph, I find it impossible to relate how I feel. I told Meisha this morning that it is like my body is now two halves. The top half (shoulders up...face and brain) that is superficially happy. The sitter is awesome. Judah loves Amber and Savannah. Work is awesome. Running smoothly and not overwhelming. The house is messy, but overall is in good order. Then there is the bottom half...shoulders down (my stomach and heart). It's heavy, sick and sad. There is this unreal feeling of something pulling me out of my office window and in the direction of my child. To say that I miss him would be a ridiculous understatement. It goes so far beyond that to the absolute need to be with him. I need this in the same way I need air... I feel like I might not make it through my Tuesday.